I wrote the following in January 2014 through a struggle with depression. I share it so others can understand what depression is like and, for those who live with it, to know they're not alone. In the time since then, God has done a lot of work in my heart, both in teaching me ways to manage depression, and in helping me grasp lies about myself and Him that sometimes led into depression. If you are reading this and have questions about depression or how to get help, please feel free to talk to me any time and I would be happy to do so!
From January 2014:
In the last year, I finally recognized that I have struggled with depression on and off since I was young. It has become more heavy in recent times, and although it is not a new struggle per se, it is new in its intensity.
The last time I was depressed was about a month ago and it was hard. At one of my lowest points, I wrote out the lies I was believing, contrasted with my cry to God as I clung to His Truth. What you are about to read is what I wrote that night, with just a few minor adjustments. It is both a battle with lies and a desperate prayer.
I had not planned to share this originally, but felt that God used - and has continued to use - this to encourage me to turn to Him for strength. I am coming to realize that depression isn't something to be afraid or ashamed of. Rather, as the body of Christ, we can encourage and love one another to point each other toward Him.
That is my purpose for this post - not to seek pity for myself (although I always appreciate prayers!), but so that these words, written from a place of suffering, might encourage you in whatever trials you may be facing. If you have any questions or thoughts about anything related to this, please feel free to get in touch with me.
May the Lord bless and encourage you through these words and may you know the great depth of the Lord's love for you.
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”
1 Peter 2:9
So... Here I am again in that dark swirl of emotion that falls like a curtain over my soul. Dark,weighty. I know this feeling well. It has hounded my steps, nipped at my heels, and waited for the right moment to pounce, to leap upon my soul with all its fury with the gentleness of a whisper.
Nothing. You're nothing.
Its cajoling voice comes, speaking tones of comfort, but with words of cutting lies.
No one loves you. You're a burden. You've failed. Even now you cannot obey God - you fail as you sit here in my grasp, too weak to fight. 'Rejoice!' He commands. Where is your joy? Your chance to rejoice in suffering has come and you've fallen... Again.
The voice goes on and on, an internal monologue, taking me down....
Down...
Deeper into the depths of my darkness while all those around me walk in light.
Light.
I see it. It's there. But it's out of reach. I can see their smiles, their laughter, their joy. But I can't feel it. I am numb to all emotions but this one.
And so I hide it.
Don't let them see. Don't let them know. You're a pathetic, self-pitying mess - and you
would now involve others, let them in to make them sad too? Do you only wish to steal their joy? Selfish! Selfish! Selfish! Hide it... Tuck it away. Don't let them see. Be the strong one they believe you to be.
And again I listen. I hide my despair and retreat into my own mind where the only voice that can speak is the one driving me deeper and deeper into my pain.
So much pain, but so numb still.
How can I tell others? They don't understand. I don't understand. Am I sinning? Have I
failed? Is this merely self-pity? Do I want to be this way?
Perhaps.
Perhaps I do. But I can't answer these questions. I have no fight left in me. I am tired; the exhaustion overwhelms me. My strength is gone and even what I once loved seems cold and distant.
I crawl into my hole in my mind. It is a dark space filled with damp earth and wet leaves. The entrance is covered by roots that hang low, with just enough space to crawl in. Only I can fit here, curled in the fetal position to hide from the world. That is how I feel inside, where I want to be. But I'm trapped in the buzz of the world instead, afraid to reveal the truth, yet unwilling to fake an untrue reality.
Inside, empty.
Empty.
That can't be. I'm supposed to be full.
So alone. So lonely.
Down and down I fall, deeper into my shame and despair.
Falling...
Falling...
Grasp!
Cry!....
...JESUS! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
This I cry. I reach out of the dark toward His glorious light. I reach for Him, cry to Him: Save me! Come, grab hold of me! I have no strength to grab myself! No strength for joy; no strength to fight. Nothing. Nothing left of me. I am empty of me. Come fill me with You! Forgive me of all that stands between us. I need You. I want You to fill me.
You are my only joy. My only HOPE. I cling to You and cry, “Mercy, Lord! Save me from this darkness. Don’t let it consume me. Don’t let it destroy me and dampen Your Spirit. Overcome this darkness with Your glorious light!”
And yet I will praise You.
Whether I wake tomorrow to enduring darkness or new light, I will praise You. Perhaps that is what it means to rejoice in sufferings. Amidst all the brokenness, to still lift my hands and declare “Hallelujah – glory to Your name.”
In You alone will I take refuge, O God. To You I flee for rest. Hide me in the shadow of Your wings.
Fill me with Your love, that even in sorrow, I can pour out and give – to give and love and serve as Your hands and feet, even when I’m broken.
Father, I’ve been so broken.
So much has happened. There’s so much pain. I don’t know where it will end. I feel as
though I’m falling and I wonder – when the dust settles, where will I stand? Who will I be? I’m so afraid of doing nothing – to spend this life trapped by the brokenness, never living to Your call. But this I know and in this I will hope: Great is Your steadfast love and faithfulness. You gave us Your Son, Your one and only Son. Will You not also give us all things pertaining to life and godliness?
And so I trust.
I trust You to lead me through this darkness as I keep my eyes fixed on You, the light before me that goes forth to conquer this enemy. Use me as Your servant. I feel the battle in my soul. The flesh does not lay down easily. Slay it within me that I might live ever-only all for Thee. To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul and cry: Deliverer! My God is a deliverer! And He leads me in triumphant procession!
So I stand in You and command my soul: March, onward and upward, toward the feet of
your King. He is near. He will defeat every lie. He will strengthen weak knees and lift drooping hands and I submit myself to the One whose grace is sufficient and whose power is made perfect in weakness.
To Him be glory.
Amen.
this, that it should leave me. But he said to
me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my
weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may
rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I
am content with weaknesses, insults,
hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For
when I am weak, then I am strong.”
1 Corinthians 12:8-10
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