What's more, the struggle doesn't always look like a struggle. Many people carry on throughout their day to day life, hiding their struggles and managing to pass as healthy, thriving adults. So much so, the term "high-functioning" depression/anxiety has now been coined.
That's certainly been my story.
Depression and anxiety don't always look like the movies. For me, it hasn't looked like suicidal thoughts, crying all the time, or never leaving my room. For some people it does. But for me, depression and anxiety look less like hollywood and more like being less productive, dishes not done, a bed not made, hitting snooze too many times or staying up too late, avoiding making social plans, or sometimes coming off as emotionally distant or distracted around others. And those are just the things others can see - no one can see the thoughts swirling around my head, reevaluating everything I've said and done and wondering: Is it enough? Is it too much? Do I appear normal? Can they see?
Recently, a couple of people have asked me: How do I care for my friends with anxiety and depression?
Below, I've compiled some of the things that have helped me the most when I'm struggling. So whether you're facing anxiety and depression or whether you know someone who is, I hope this list provides some helpful ways to walk beside loved ones with mental illness.
1. Be normal.
Don't make every interaction about my mental health.I am still me. You don't need to tread on eggshells around me. You don't need to whip out a PhD in counseling or timidly ask "are you ok?" every time you see me. If I crack a joke, laugh with me. Absolutely send me that funny meme that made you think of me. Hang out and eat pizza with me. If I tell you I'm struggling, it's because I want someone else to know - and because I want you to know that if you notice a shift in my behavior, it's not you, it's me. Really. Know that I love you and that if I'm telling you, I trust you enough to let you onto that page of my life. Just know that it's not the only page of my life. Point out the good and beautiful you see in me and around me, because sometimes I need to remember it too.
2. Invite me to do things - and keep inviting me.
Don't take it personally if I say no.I'm still alive. And sometimes being around people reminds me of that. Sometimes being around people is too overwhelming. It's going to to depend on the day, even the hour. I may come and be the life of the party. I may come and be quiet or leave early. I may not be able to come at all. But I want to know that I'm still included and wanted, even if I can't do it. So please invite me - and keep inviting me. Also, know that if I say no, I'm probably going to feel bad about it. If you know I'm struggling, give me an out - let me know that me taking care of myself matters to you and that it's ok if I say no. Also, if you want to see me, maybe instead of coffee we go for a walk or watch a movie. (But if I suggest coffee, I definitely want coffee!) Sometimes I need to be with people, but in a way that won't require social pleasantries or situations that will potentially be emotionally demanding.
3. Pray with me.
Don't preach at or shame me.Sometimes, we struggle to understand how Christians can get depression and anxiety. We think: Doesn't the Bible say to rejoice? Doesn't it say not to fear? And before we know it, we've actually made our friends feel worse by telling them "You really should..." Someone once told me that words like "should" and "supposed to" stem from shame. Depression and anxiety leave you trapped in a cycle of shame so let's not use the Bible to make the burden heavier. Sometimes, I need to be reminded of truth - but remind me that God loves me right where I am today, not that God calls me to rejoice in suffering. Instead of saying "I'll pray for you" - pray with me right here and now. One of the most meaningful things a friend did was tell me that I could call her any time, no matter how late, and she would pray for me.
4. Help in practical ways.
Don't judge the things that have fallen through the cracks.Self-care is the first that that goes out the window when I'm struggling with depression or anxiety. Offer to bring over dinner, do my laundry, or wash my dishes. I'm probably going to resist and say no because I'm ashamed of the things that have fallen through the cracks. I won't want you to see my mess. I won't want to be a burden, because I definitely assume I am. Help me understand you won't judge me. I will feel so much healthier when those things are done. It may be awkward, but help me take those practical steps. Know that if I say yes, I will feel extremely vulnerable and will show it by apologizing or thanking you too much. Be patient, let me know that it really is okay. Tell me about your own messes and embarrassing slip ups. But if I don't want you to see the mess, don't force it. Maybe offer to go for a walk with me instead - exercise is yet another thing that falls away and sometimes a walk around the lake is the best thing for my soul and I just need the accountability of another person to help me do it. Understand that I'm not being lazy if I haven't gotten things done and I'm not being selfish if I forgot to ask about you. Know that it feels like cotton has jammed in my gears and it is taking everything I've got just to keep the wheels turning.
5. Ask questions but...
Don't say "Can I talk to you?"If you tell me any variation of "I need to talk to you/I have a question/can we talk later?" I will absolutely experience an immediate physical reaction - my chest tightens with tension, my stomach feels sick, and my heart starts racing. Even if this is a text followed by another text with said question 30 seconds later, my life with you will flash before my eyes and every painful moment of self-doubt and insecurity will instantly spring to mind as I desperately scramble to think which of my many woeful failures you're about to slam me with. I will pull a Dr. Strange and think of 14 million scenarios in those 30 seconds. The blinking text bubble will feel like the walk to an execution. And if we're at an event and you need to talk to me after - don't tell me that. Just talk to me after. If you really need to make sure I stick around, make sure I know what it's about. Because in your mind, you're probably asking if I'm free for dinner next week. In my mind, you're about to tell me that I'm the biggest disappointment in your life and I will spend the whole meeting bracing myself for it. If you need to ask questions... please do! Ask questions like "how can I support you right now?" or "what does depression feel like for you?" You can even ask the hard questions like - "Are you seeing a counselor? Are you practicing healthy self-care?" But please help your friends with anxiety and stop saying "I need to talk to you." [Seriously. Stop that. It's getting my heart rate up just writing this paragraph.]
6. Let me lead. But also initiate.
Don't force me to talk about it.Sometimes I want to talk about how I feel. Sometimes I just want to send you a funny tweet and drink good coffee and hear about your life. Affirm that you're my friend, that you're here for me and willing to listen, and then move on - don't make me talk about it if I don't want to. If I need to talk about it, I will. Trust me to take the lead. Sometimes talking about it is a relief, like making it to the bathroom when you've been holding out too long. But sometimes it is more like peeing your pants and now you're uncomfortable and embarrassed. Sure, the end result was the same - but one of these feels good, the other does not. I know when I need to talk about it. If you think I might need to talk but you're not sure, ask: "Do you want to talk about it?" Or if you haven't heard from me, instead of asking if depression is bad, try: "I was thinking about you! How are you doing?"
7. Understand I may not seem like myself.
Don't think our friendship is over.I may not laugh when I normally I would. I may seem distant. Conversation may grind to an awkward halt. That's okay. It just means today is a hard day and you didn't do anything wrong. I may even be annoyed by something you said when you were trying to be helpful. Know that it probably wasn't anything you said. It was probably because my emotions are out of whack. But it's always good to ask so if something was hurtful, I have the chance to tell you. And because you're my friend and I care about you, even if I feel out of whack, I'm going to tell you honestly if I was hurt, and I'm going to tell you I love you. But even if I forget to tell you I love you, know that I do. Also know that I'm going to be afraid that you're going to leave me. I'm going to be afraid that you think this is how it will be forever - because inside, it seems like I'm going to feel this way forever, even if it's only been a couple of days. Remind me that you know this isn't my norm and that you're with me for the highs and lows, however long or short they may be.
8. Take care of yourself.
Don't be my unpaid therapist.I need you to be my friend, not my counselor. I know that loving people with anxiety and depression can take a toll on you too. That's part of why I'm so afraid to ask for help. I'm afraid that the hurt inside me is going to spread like the flu - and if feeling bad is hard, making others feel bad is worse. Know that I am responsible for my own emotions. I am responsible for getting myself care, whether it means exercising and eating healthy or seeing a counselor and taking medication. Support me in taking steps to get the help I need but don't try to be the sole source of that care. If I share things that are too heavy for you, admit that to me - but be gentle. Suggest alternative ways I can talk to you about what I'm going through. I want to share with you, but sometimes I won't know how much is too much. Don't just pull away from me. Be honest with me about the conversations we can and can't have. Know that it may hurt a little, but that somewhere in the void that is depression, I know that I care about you and your well-being too. Know that I want you to thrive and have wins - I even want to hear about them. I want to hear about your losses and disappointments too. Know that, sometimes, your wins may sting a little or my emotional capacity to respond to your losses might be little to none. Know that I still care and I still want to hear them, even if I'm feeling emotionally constipated or disjointed. If you text me a paragraph and I just send you a happy emoji because that's the most I could muster, know that little emoji represents all the love I wish I had the words to say that day.
Most of all, friend, know that I love you and I see that you are trying to love me, even if it's imperfect and messy - but I appreciate it all the same because you're choosing to enter into my own imperfect and messy life.
*If you want to learn more or are concerned about your friend's well-being, contact the suicide hotline. They are a great 24/7 resource for advice.
If you think your friend might be in immediate danger, call 911.
